My Holiday Newsletter: Volume 1

Dear Friends, Family & the Lady in the Prada purse section at Bergdorf’s,

I hope this holiday season finds you happy and healthy. I’ve so enjoyed all of the wonderful cards that I’ve received from you this season. Especially those cards, which included those great updates on what is going on with your perfect little families. I’ve enjoyed them so much, that I’ve decided to update you on my own ‘lil year:

My wonderful husband, Brent, after having put in such a long year at the hedge fund, took the entire summer off so we could travel extensively throughout Europe and much of Asia. Unfortunately, he only made $4.3 million (take home) this year so we had to cut the trip a tad short. Nonetheless, it was fantastic and so much nicer since we decided it would be easier to leave little Courtney and Gilles at home with the nannies. The kids are doing wonderfully well at Dalton have been taking French lessons all year. They can now carry on fluent conversations with our chef. It’s just the cutest!

I’m sorry, what’s that?

Oh, I don’t have a husband OR children? Well, it appears I’m caught in a bit of an embarrassing situation. Allow me to explain, I thought this was just easier and would require less pity on your part than the truth.

- That I live in an apartment the size of one of your guest bathrooms and pay about the same in rent as you pay in mortgage for your two homes.

- That I spend most of my income on expensive dinners, shoes and purses.

- That at the age of 34, I still throw up at the end of most evenings from imbibing in too much vodka and unknown narcotics.

- That I thought I actually would be sending you one of these annoying fucking letters because I was supposed to marry the man of my dreams and have some sort of semblance of a normal family life. But alas, he was fucking someone else so we broke up.

What? Oh no, now I’ve made you uncomfortable. Haven’t I? Yes, yes, you are, I can hear it in your voice. Well, anyway Merry Christmas.

Love,
Me