Dear Friends, Family & the Lady in the Prada purse section at Bergdorf’s,
I hope this holiday season finds you happy and healthy. I’ve so enjoyed all of the wonderful cards that I’ve received from you this season. Especially those cards, which included those great updates on what is going on with your perfect little families. I’ve enjoyed them so much, that I’ve decided to update you on my own ‘lil year:
My wonderful husband, Brent, after having put in such a long year at the hedge fund, took the entire summer off so we could travel extensively throughout Europe and much of Asia. Unfortunately, he only made $4.3 million (take home) this year so we had to cut the trip a tad short. Nonetheless, it was fantastic and so much nicer since we decided it would be easier to leave little Courtney and Gilles at home with the nannies. The kids are doing wonderfully well at Dalton have been taking French lessons all year. They can now carry on fluent conversations with our chef. It’s just the cutest!
I’m sorry, what’s that?
Oh, I don’t have a husband OR children? Well, it appears I’m caught in a bit of an embarrassing situation. Allow me to explain, I thought this was just easier and would require less pity on your part than the truth.
- That I live in an apartment the size of one of your guest bathrooms and pay about the same in rent as you pay in mortgage for your two homes.
- That I spend most of my income on expensive dinners, shoes and purses.
- That at the age of 34, I still throw up at the end of most evenings from imbibing in too much vodka and unknown narcotics.
- That I thought I actually would be sending you one of these annoying fucking letters because I was supposed to marry the man of my dreams and have some sort of semblance of a normal family life. But alas, he was fucking someone else so we broke up.
What? Oh no, now I’ve made you uncomfortable. Haven’t I? Yes, yes, you are, I can hear it in your voice. Well, anyway Merry Christmas.
Love,
Me
Friday, December 7, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Moo
My grandmother once told me that “they won’t buy the cow, if you give them the milk for free”. I was confused by this statement because 1. We lived in a pretty metropolitan area with nary a cow in sight and 2. I was 12 years old. In hindsight, this was probably one of the most astute things she had ever said to me. Unfortunately, it took me many years of acting like a dairy farm to figure this out.
This past week, I went home for Thanksgiving. I thought it would be a lot more difficult than it was - first holiday after my big break-up, hanging out with all of my friends who are married with children; seeing my family tilt their heads slightly to the left while asking me in hushed tones "So (pause) how are you, really? - but in reality, it was not too terrible. I think going out on Thanksgiving eve with a bunch of my guy friends, drinking a twelve pack of Michelob Ultra and taking two Xanex most definitely dulled the pain. Throwing up on my $650 Christian Louboutin shoes was not the highlight of the evening but meh, what are ya gonna do?
I was able to reflect quite a bit this weekend on my past relationship. After having been single again for the past 6 months, I can now see so clearly how I was trying to jackhammer a round peg into a square hole and how close I was to getting engaged to someone because I thought "he was the one". Barf.
Perhaps, I meet and constantly waste my time with all the "wrong" men because it is I, who truly never wants to marry, and not them. I hear myself saying things to my friends and family like yes, of course I want to get married and yes, I want to have a family, but do I? Deep down, am I just saying these things because I think it's what I'm supposed to want at this point in my life?
Growing up in a divorced family, life was always in constant change. For the first time ever, I've now realized that that is why routine scares me and makes me yearn for new experiences. It's why I constantly moved around in my twenties and traveled to nine different countries by the time I turned 28. However, I can't help but wonder what I’m constantly looking for.
That is hard for me to say right now and much easier for me to say what I don't want. I don't want to be left after 10 years of marriage with three small children like my mother did. I don't want to have call to my ex-husband in the middle of the night, when I think my kids are asleep and can't hear me, because he didn't send the check like he promised he would. And I definitely don't want to find out from his Aunt that he called her for money for an abortion so that he didn't have to take it out of the family's savings account. (Editor’s Note: I’m not sure why I don’t trust men, seriously).
All in all, I learned a lot about myself in the past several months and I wouldn't change the heartache and the sorrow that I endured. Much like Kanye, I know that I am harder, better, faster, stronger and some day, I will find someone honest, great and who deserves to be with me.
But until then, who wants some milk?
This past week, I went home for Thanksgiving. I thought it would be a lot more difficult than it was - first holiday after my big break-up, hanging out with all of my friends who are married with children; seeing my family tilt their heads slightly to the left while asking me in hushed tones "So (pause) how are you, really? - but in reality, it was not too terrible. I think going out on Thanksgiving eve with a bunch of my guy friends, drinking a twelve pack of Michelob Ultra and taking two Xanex most definitely dulled the pain. Throwing up on my $650 Christian Louboutin shoes was not the highlight of the evening but meh, what are ya gonna do?
I was able to reflect quite a bit this weekend on my past relationship. After having been single again for the past 6 months, I can now see so clearly how I was trying to jackhammer a round peg into a square hole and how close I was to getting engaged to someone because I thought "he was the one". Barf.
Perhaps, I meet and constantly waste my time with all the "wrong" men because it is I, who truly never wants to marry, and not them. I hear myself saying things to my friends and family like yes, of course I want to get married and yes, I want to have a family, but do I? Deep down, am I just saying these things because I think it's what I'm supposed to want at this point in my life?
Growing up in a divorced family, life was always in constant change. For the first time ever, I've now realized that that is why routine scares me and makes me yearn for new experiences. It's why I constantly moved around in my twenties and traveled to nine different countries by the time I turned 28. However, I can't help but wonder what I’m constantly looking for.
That is hard for me to say right now and much easier for me to say what I don't want. I don't want to be left after 10 years of marriage with three small children like my mother did. I don't want to have call to my ex-husband in the middle of the night, when I think my kids are asleep and can't hear me, because he didn't send the check like he promised he would. And I definitely don't want to find out from his Aunt that he called her for money for an abortion so that he didn't have to take it out of the family's savings account. (Editor’s Note: I’m not sure why I don’t trust men, seriously).
All in all, I learned a lot about myself in the past several months and I wouldn't change the heartache and the sorrow that I endured. Much like Kanye, I know that I am harder, better, faster, stronger and some day, I will find someone honest, great and who deserves to be with me.
But until then, who wants some milk?
Friday, November 16, 2007
Guess who's back, back, back.
Soooooooooo, I didn't think I'd be back here again. By here, I mean, writing anonymous posts about my adventures of dating, living and surviving, in NYC. I also didn't think I'd meet someone on Match.com, completely fall in love, move in together, look at engagement rings only to have him tell me that he didn't think he was ready for any of it and perhaps we should slow things down just a bit.
This was right around the time that I found "the emails". I came home one evening to find the computer left on with his personal account still open. At that point, I had completely trusted him with my heart and soul but he wasn't sure about "us" any longer. Wasn't that what he said? So I sat...and I read...I learned. I learned so many things that day about the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I learned:
1. He was having ongoing sexual relations/conversations with MANY random women on the internet
2. He enjoyed sending photos of his penis to said women and also enjoyed receiving some scandalous photos in return.
3. His penis looks MUCH bigger on film.
The worst part of it all...I didn't even say anything. I just sucked it up because I didn't see any evidence that he was meeting with these women. He was only sending lude photos and comments to them and after all, that's not cheating right? Merely exploring. Allow me to explain, I'd had years of practice of living in denial over things at that point- my mother's death, my father's abandonment - I could certainly overlook my boyfriend sending pictures of his cock to a few women, right? I did overlook it for a while. For about 3 months to be exact. Three months of lying awake and watching him sleep, wondering how he could say he loved me and do such things, three months of him wondering where he "really" was when he said he had a work dinner to go to or God forbid a work trip to go on. After the knots in my stomach were just about ready to explode, I finally, lost it and told him what I knew.
When I think back to our very intense year and a half together, I realize I overlooked so many signs. Things moved a little too quickly for my taste. I was always very cautious in relationships, in fact, I rarely dated a guy long enough to qualify it as a relationship. I was MISS Independent, life of the party. I lost all of that. I stopped going out, stopped seeing friends, stopped being me in general. I learned a lot. I truly did. As hard as it was for me to face the truth. I would never live with such knowledge of betrayal ever again.
This was right around the time that I found "the emails". I came home one evening to find the computer left on with his personal account still open. At that point, I had completely trusted him with my heart and soul but he wasn't sure about "us" any longer. Wasn't that what he said? So I sat...and I read...I learned. I learned so many things that day about the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I learned:
1. He was having ongoing sexual relations/conversations with MANY random women on the internet
2. He enjoyed sending photos of his penis to said women and also enjoyed receiving some scandalous photos in return.
3. His penis looks MUCH bigger on film.
The worst part of it all...I didn't even say anything. I just sucked it up because I didn't see any evidence that he was meeting with these women. He was only sending lude photos and comments to them and after all, that's not cheating right? Merely exploring. Allow me to explain, I'd had years of practice of living in denial over things at that point- my mother's death, my father's abandonment - I could certainly overlook my boyfriend sending pictures of his cock to a few women, right? I did overlook it for a while. For about 3 months to be exact. Three months of lying awake and watching him sleep, wondering how he could say he loved me and do such things, three months of him wondering where he "really" was when he said he had a work dinner to go to or God forbid a work trip to go on. After the knots in my stomach were just about ready to explode, I finally, lost it and told him what I knew.
When I think back to our very intense year and a half together, I realize I overlooked so many signs. Things moved a little too quickly for my taste. I was always very cautious in relationships, in fact, I rarely dated a guy long enough to qualify it as a relationship. I was MISS Independent, life of the party. I lost all of that. I stopped going out, stopped seeing friends, stopped being me in general. I learned a lot. I truly did. As hard as it was for me to face the truth. I would never live with such knowledge of betrayal ever again.
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