Moo

My grandmother once told me that “they won’t buy the cow, if you give them the milk for free”. I was confused by this statement because 1. We lived in a pretty metropolitan area with nary a cow in sight and 2. I was 12 years old. In hindsight, this was probably one of the most astute things she had ever said to me. Unfortunately, it took me many years of acting like a dairy farm to figure this out.

This past week, I went home for Thanksgiving. I thought it would be a lot more difficult than it was - first holiday after my big break-up, hanging out with all of my friends who are married with children; seeing my family tilt their heads slightly to the left while asking me in hushed tones "So (pause) how are you, really? - but in reality, it was not too terrible. I think going out on Thanksgiving eve with a bunch of my guy friends, drinking a twelve pack of Michelob Ultra and taking two Xanex most definitely dulled the pain. Throwing up on my $650 Christian Louboutin shoes was not the highlight of the evening but meh, what are ya gonna do?

I was able to reflect quite a bit this weekend on my past relationship. After having been single again for the past 6 months, I can now see so clearly how I was trying to jackhammer a round peg into a square hole and how close I was to getting engaged to someone because I thought "he was the one". Barf.

Perhaps, I meet and constantly waste my time with all the "wrong" men because it is I, who truly never wants to marry, and not them. I hear myself saying things to my friends and family like yes, of course I want to get married and yes, I want to have a family, but do I? Deep down, am I just saying these things because I think it's what I'm supposed to want at this point in my life?

Growing up in a divorced family, life was always in constant change. For the first time ever, I've now realized that that is why routine scares me and makes me yearn for new experiences. It's why I constantly moved around in my twenties and traveled to nine different countries by the time I turned 28. However, I can't help but wonder what I’m constantly looking for.

That is hard for me to say right now and much easier for me to say what I don't want. I don't want to be left after 10 years of marriage with three small children like my mother did. I don't want to have call to my ex-husband in the middle of the night, when I think my kids are asleep and can't hear me, because he didn't send the check like he promised he would. And I definitely don't want to find out from his Aunt that he called her for money for an abortion so that he didn't have to take it out of the family's savings account. (Editor’s Note: I’m not sure why I don’t trust men, seriously).

All in all, I learned a lot about myself in the past several months and I wouldn't change the heartache and the sorrow that I endured. Much like Kanye, I know that I am harder, better, faster, stronger and some day, I will find someone honest, great and who deserves to be with me.

But until then, who wants some milk?