Soooooooooo, I didn't think I'd be back here again. By here, I mean, writing anonymous posts about my adventures of dating, living and surviving, in NYC. I also didn't think I'd meet someone on Match.com, completely fall in love, move in together, look at engagement rings only to have him tell me that he didn't think he was ready for any of it and perhaps we should slow things down just a bit.
This was right around the time that I found "the emails". I came home one evening to find the computer left on with his personal account still open. At that point, I had completely trusted him with my heart and soul but he wasn't sure about "us" any longer. Wasn't that what he said? So I sat...and I read...I learned. I learned so many things that day about the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I learned:
1. He was having ongoing sexual relations/conversations with MANY random women on the internet
2. He enjoyed sending photos of his penis to said women and also enjoyed receiving some scandalous photos in return.
3. His penis looks MUCH bigger on film.
The worst part of it all...I didn't even say anything. I just sucked it up because I didn't see any evidence that he was meeting with these women. He was only sending lude photos and comments to them and after all, that's not cheating right? Merely exploring. Allow me to explain, I'd had years of practice of living in denial over things at that point- my mother's death, my father's abandonment - I could certainly overlook my boyfriend sending pictures of his cock to a few women, right? I did overlook it for a while. For about 3 months to be exact. Three months of lying awake and watching him sleep, wondering how he could say he loved me and do such things, three months of him wondering where he "really" was when he said he had a work dinner to go to or God forbid a work trip to go on. After the knots in my stomach were just about ready to explode, I finally, lost it and told him what I knew.
When I think back to our very intense year and a half together, I realize I overlooked so many signs. Things moved a little too quickly for my taste. I was always very cautious in relationships, in fact, I rarely dated a guy long enough to qualify it as a relationship. I was MISS Independent, life of the party. I lost all of that. I stopped going out, stopped seeing friends, stopped being me in general. I learned a lot. I truly did. As hard as it was for me to face the truth. I would never live with such knowledge of betrayal ever again.
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